I woke at 2am. Harvey was breathing heavily, a kind of closed mouth pant, and although I sleep like the dead, I’ve always been in-tune with Harvey’s breath. He laid between us as he always does, and as I stroked his soft belly where the new hair grows from the shaving the vet had to give him for his scan/xray, I tried to calm him. I could feel the size of the ‘mass’. It has gone from barely there to mango sized in just a few weeks. Touching it fills me with horror.
I got out of bed and gently coaxed Harvey to come with me. Scared he was in pain, with no painkiller to give him (the vet advised that for as long as Harvey is happy, waggy and enjoying life, which he is, we avoid extra pain management for as long as possible as they have to be metabolised through the liver and the liver is where the mass is.) The only thing I could think of to help him was to cool him down on the kitchen floor. It worked.
Once calm, he surveyed his grounds, had a wee and a bark at the resident foxes. I stood at the back door looking for a black dog in the pitch dark, whisper-yelling him to ‘SSHHH you little shit’ knowing he’s as deaf as a post and won’t hear me anyway – he tottered back in, oblivious to any fuss he’d caused and got on his bed.
His new camping bed. I bought it in anticipation of our next camping trip after last season, it went straight into the loft ready for new adventures, but that adventure never came, and I couldn’t bear the thought of discovering it next year without him having used it, so I asked Lee to bring it down. It’s his favourite bed now, but we keep breaking our toes on its legs because it’s about the same size as our kitchen, and neither of us have small feet!
So, I’ve been sat here for four hours waiting for the vet to open so I can book an appointment – and I know that there is nothing I can do to stop this, I know it is inevitable – but it’s also tortuous to my broken brain. I need to feel like I’m doing something. Anything. I can’t fall into a pit of sadness, not yet.
Yesterday morning I got my head in a good place, so I put on some music to get ready to. I haven’t done that for such a long time, and that specific play-list is filled with my faves. I started dancing and Harvey wiggled his butt to tell me he wanted to dance too, he’s always loved a dance and we twirled around the kitchen together- then this came on. I’ve always known the words, i mean Stevie is my hero! ..but, in that moment, looking into my precious boy’s eyes, they became much, much more meaningful.
https://youtu.be/WM7-PYtXtJM
I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
Oh! I’m getting older too